From Kayfabe News
Dominick Reymond Mysterio Jr. Junior shocked fans of professional sports-entertaining today when he revealed that he is not the biological son of legendary masked WWE superstar Rey Mysterio, as a DNA test has proven that Eddie Guerrero was Dominick’s Papi.
The Mysterio family appeared as guests today on The Maury Povich Show, during which the shocking tests of a papipternity test confirmed the longstanding rumours about Guerrero’s papihood.
“Rey-Rey, when it comes to young Dominick, you are… not… the papi,” said Povich as a studio audience of ninnies brayed moronically.
Mysterio then tore off his mask in dismay and dashed teary-eyed backstage, where he was seen muttering: “I knew it, I knew it. I even saw it on a t-shirt.”
Guerrero’s papiternity of Dominick has been a topic of hot debate for years, with many in the anti-Papi camp arguing that the late, great wrestler had a propensity to lie, cheat, and/or steal.
From Kayfabe News
Few documentaries have exposed the seedy underbelly of professional wrestling as comprehensively or cornettishly as Dark Side of the Ring.
The VICE series, of which two seasons have aired, revisits notorious moments in wrestling history, from the slapping of John Stossel to the death of Bruiser Brody to the testicular electrocution of Shane McMahon.
The show’s third season is in production now, and Kayfabe News has obtained, via a confidential source who asked to be identified only as Fit F., the line-up of topics to be unraveled.
Although the card is always subject to change, here is the current plan for season three:
SE3, Ep.1: Raising Kane: The Funeral Home Fire and Katie Vick
SE3, Ep. 2: Tremors: Earthquake’s Squishing of Damian
SE3, EP. 3: Papa Shango’s Curse — The Ultimate Undoing
SE3, EP. 4.: Mae Young’s Baby Hand: Tragedy, Triumph, and High Fives
SE3 EP. 5: Ian Rotten: From Deathmatch Wrestler to Billionaire Hedge Fund Manager
SE3, EP. 6: The Montreal Handjob
SE3 EP7: The Punt Heard ‘Round the World — Snitsky and the Baby
SE3 EP8: DOMESTIC TERRORISM: The McMahon Limo Bombing
Christmas Special: The Tragic Tale of Xanta Claus
Kayfabe News also received a leaked script for the upcoming season of Total Bellas, but the nuanced complexities of the multi-layered narrative structure were beyond our comprehension.
From Kayfabe News
Legendary professional wrestler The Undertaker has teased retirement from the ring for several years now, and it seems The Deadman is already transitioning to a new career as a hip hop recording artist, according to TMZ.
The Undertaker (real name Theodore Undertaker) has reportedly spent the past three weeks holed up in a Los Angeles recording studio with veteran producer Rick Rubin, laying tracks for an album tentatively titled Da Phenom: My Yard.
Although no official comment has been issued regarding the album, leaked documents reveal what appears to be a preliminary track list for the album:
Rest in Pieces (ft. Fred Durst)
This ain’t yo yard
Buried Alive (ft. Eminem)
I Go to Work (Kool Moe Dee cover)
For Whom the Bell Tolls (ft. James Hetfield)
Bonus track (Japan only): My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion cover)
One anonymous source who claims to have heard one of the recording sessions described it as “absolutely terrible” and “much better than Enzo Amore’s stuff.”
Jim Cornette and his wife Stacey are the latest to be hit with sexual misconduct allegations, stemming from his time in OVW. Independent wrestler Phil Earley posted to Twitter on Thursday detailing allegations against Cornette and his wife Stacy, saying that Cornette’s wife Stacey, who worked in OVW as Synn, attempted to groom him early in his time in the wrestling business, sending him unasked for lewd photos and attempting to groom him for sexual purposes. Earley alleged that Cornette would require talent to “perform sexual acts on his wife, many times with him watching.” Below is his full tweet (pics not included)
“I made a very vague post yesterday about @TheJimCornette.
In the face of current events I feel the need to clarify and speak up.
During my first year in the business, his wife, Stacy, attempted to groom me.
She approached via DM, sent me lewd photos I never asked for, implied protection from the Kentucky commission (stating he was a family friend), and told me she WAS going to f*ck me, as if I didn’t have a choice.
My experience with them is tame compared to others, though.
When Jim was booking at OVW, if you wanted a contract or on his show, you HAD to perform sexual acts on his wife, many times with him watching. This has happened for many, MANY people.
A close friend of mine was groomed and basically brainwashed by them for YEARS. When he finally escaped, Stacy went to great lengths to not only terrorize him, but to actively try to have other wrestlers physically assault him.
I was one of them. She sent me pictures show tires of his he’s slashed, and bragging about setting him up to lose his job, his apartment, even his car.
All because he escaped an extremely toxic relationship and didn’t want anything to do with them.
Stacy bragged about being able to call the Kentucky commission to give him ‘targets’. He was a family friend, and if she wanted, she could turn his attention to anyone licensed in the state to potentially hurt, and sometimes even ruin their careers.
When he says ‘cult of cornette’, it’s because he has a history of taking advantage of greenhorns using his power and position as booker for OVW in order to fufill his and his wife’s sexual desires.
They used their place of power to hurt many, many people.
No one wants to speak up because of his position in wrestling, but this is EXTREMELY common knowledge among OVW alumni.
This will probably ruin a lot of opportunities in wrestling, and that’s fine, but make no mistake: Jim Cornette is trash. He and his wife have made power plays in order to hurt many, many people.
f*ck you Jim. f*ck you Stacy. You are scum.
I just feel like I betrayed the school that let me learn the craft of professional wrestling. OVW is the reason I turned my life around. And I feel like I’ve betrayed them. That’s how messed up wrestling can be.
My hands are shaking and I’m scared sh*tless over typing this.
If it was a man sending a woman unwanted nudes, telling them how they WERE going to f*ck them, and tried to get them to actively commit crimes to hurt others, no one would tell me ‘I don’t see anything wrong with this.’
I hated it and how it made me feel.”
Earley’s comments led to Mike Braddock, a former OVW heavyweight champion, posting to Twitter to allege that Cornette “sent Stacy after me to recruit me,” although he didn’t take the bait. Earley has retweeted another comment from a user who said they “personally watched Jimmy and Synn chase an 18 or 19 year old hostess at cheddars, offering alcohol among other things to get her back to the ‘hot tub’.” OVW alumni Body Guy also backed up the allegations.
Credit 411 Mania for article
From Kayfabe News
Professional wrestler John Cena has been stripped of his doctorate in Thuganomics after an investigation by the American Thuganomics Association revealed egregious malpractice.
Cena, who earned his Thuganomics PhD in 2003, has been deemed unfit to practice Thuganomics anywhere in North America due to “behaviour unbecoming of a Doctor of Thuganomics,” according to a report issued by the ATA.
“Mr. Cena’s incessant smiling, wise-cracking and pandering to young audiences runs contrary to the fundamental tenets of Thuganomics,” says the report.
“Cena has not performed any thuganomical duties in years, nor even mentioned the noble profession of Thuganomics. We have therefore determined that Mr. Cena is incapable of continuing his thugonomical practice.”
Cena will be forced to rescind his Thuganomical equipment (chains, basketball jerseys), and he will no longer be allowed to perform even Basic Thuganomics.
It is unclear whether his membership in the Chain Gang will be revoked, or if he’ll face impeachment from his presidency of the Cenation.
From Kayfabe News
Dana White, president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, announced at a press conference this morning that the mixed martial arts league will “kick things up a notch” with the introduction of ladder matches.
“This ain’t your daddy’s MMA,” White said, sitting atop the 20-foot ladder that fighters will have to climb in order to seize the UFC championship belt dangling above the Octagon.
Critics are accusing White of once again ripping off ideas from professional wrestling, just like he did with cage matches, bombastic characters, scripted finishes, and overhyping CM Punk.
White announced that the first ladder match in UFC will pit Lightweight Champion Conor McGregor against Eddie Alvarez.
While McGregor is highly proficient in Brazilian jiu-stepclimb, Alvarez is a master of the stepmill who once jogged up the stairs of the Eiffel Tower.
According to a leaked script, McGregor will come close to clinching the title, only to be betrayed by his supposed ally, James Ellsworth, who will topple the ladder and send McGregor careening into a gaggle of scantily clad Octagon Girls.
From Kayfabe News
Despite weeks of hype promoting the showdown between Edge (SURNAME UNKNOWN) and Randy Orton as the Greatest Wrestling Match Ever, the pre-taped bout — which will air tonight during the WWE Backsplash — was quite the opposite.
Fans and experts who have seen a leaked recording of the match, which began circulating the internet last night, described it as “dreadful,” “hard to watch,” and “the worstest wrestling match ever.”
Longtime wrestling journalism Dan Mutzler rated the match with an unprecedented “negative 37 stars,” thus ranking it lower than even the one house show match between the Great Khali and the Yeti (pronounced yet-tay).
WWE honcho Vince McMahon was reportedly “furious” about the match, which included the following lowlights:
Edge attempted to begin the match with a sudden spear, but tripped over his own boot lace and fell face first into the referee’s groin
Orton’s ring entrance, despite requiring only 15 paces due to the small size of the WWE Performance Center, lasted 75 minutes.
While pounding his fists on the mat to psyche himself up for an RKO, Orton accidentally shattered both wrists and elbows, as well as, inexplicably, Edge’s left eardrum.
During on particularly long boston crab, Orton appeared to fall asleep for several minutes.
Orton only realizes halfway through the match that, as a rib, someone backstage had pooped in his boots, and his hasty removal of those boots causes a chain reaction of vomiting among commentators and ringside personnel.
Due to a clerical error, the match was given a 14 minute time limit, which, due to to the timekeeper’s violent nausea, was sadly not enforced, and the match ran 89 minutes (132 counting entrances).
Even the “trainees” who usually cheer and boo and bang on plexiglass on command started a “borrrring” chant after the first flubbed sequences of arm drags.
According to an inside source, who asked to be identified only as Velveteen D., a heavily edited version of the match, enhanced with canned cheering and CGI footage, will air tonight during Backlash. You’ve been warned!
From Kayfabe News
Kurt Angle is one of the most accomplished and beloved sports-entertainers in history, but what many fans don’t realize is that the “Kurt Angle” persona has been portrayed by multiple performers.
Much like the Ultimate Warrior (a character played by six different wrestlers over the years), “Kurt Angle” is a popular gimmick that has been resurrected with a number of lookalikes cast in the part.
Old-school wrestling fans may remember the first “Kurt Angle,” who was portrayed by the character’s namesake, Curtis Angel (half-brother of illusionist Criss Angel). The first “Kurt Angle” had a very stint in ECW before joining WWF/E in 1996.
Much like the “Kurt Angle” character, Curtis Angel did indeed compete in the 1996 Olympics, but instead of winning gold in wrestling, he finished 17th in the speed walking quarter finals.
The second man to portray Kurt Angle assumed the role in 2001. Keen-eyed fans will notice that, unlike the first “Kurt Angle,” the new one was bald. This time, “Kurt Angle” was portrayed by a shaven-headed Lance Storm, who went on to stardom in TNA Wrestling as James Storm.
The third and current “Kurt Angle” is portrayed by Theo Jordan, older brother of Jason Jordan and illegitimate son of Curtis Angel and a woman known only as Jacqueline.
According to backstage rumors, the “Kurt Angle” character may soon be refreshed again in order to create a WrestleMania rematch between Angle and Brock Lesnar, who is currently being portrayed by a shaved albino mountain gorilla
From Kayfaybe News
The Ultimate Warrior was one of the most enigmatic and genre-defining sports-entertainers in the history of WWE, but do you actually know the true identities of the six men who donned the tassels and facepaint to entertain millions of “little warriors” over the years?
Here’s a chronological look look at the career of “The Ultimate Warrior” and the unsung superstars who brought the character to life.
1985 – 1986: Blade Runner Rock, The Dingo Warrior, and The Ultimate Warrior
An early precursor to the Ultimate Warrior was named Blade Runner Rock, who tagged with Blade Runner Blaze in a tag team known, obviously, as The Killer Bees. Blade Runner Rock would go on to become the Dingo Warrior — a character who declared war on dingoes, hyenas, wolves, and all other manner of non-domesticated canine. He would finally join the WWF as The Ultimate Warrior. This incarnation of the Ultimate Warrior was portrayed by Paul Levesque, who would go on to achieve modest success as Terra Ryzing in WCW.
1986 – February 1987: Early WWF push
As Vince McMahon attempted to build a new babyface hero with a marketable look, he knew he needed a larger-than-life superhero. Knowing that Levesque would never amount to much in pro wrestling, McMahon decided to re-cast the Ultimate Warrior with an established in-ring talent: Hercules Hernandez.
March 1987 – July 1988
When Hercules Hernandez was injured in an unfortunate hair-perming incident, a replacement Ultimate Warrior was needed. This time, Vince McMahon raided the roster of WCW (then-NWA) to recruit an exact lookalike, who took over the role with practically no fans noticing the switch; Ron Simmons.
1988 – 1990 — Intercontinental Championship
As the Ultimate Warrior’s popularity continued to skyrocket, WWE brass were determined to ensure the character had a squeaky clean image, and Ron Simmons had drawn controversy by ending his nonsensical promos with a long pause followed by the word “damn.” McMahon found a suitable replacement in Mark Hildreth, who would later achieve fame and fortune as one of WCW’s most popular stars of all time, Van Hammer.
1990 to 1991 — World Heavyweight Championship
The Ultimate Warrior earned the most prestigious championship in professional wrestling when he defeated Hulk Hogan in what pundits agree was the greatest technical masterpiece of all time. What many fans don’t realize, however, is that the Ultimate Warrior who performed at WrestleMania 18 was not the man they had become accustomed to seeing, but instead Hollywood actor Mickey Rourke.
1992 Onwards — Various feuds, WCW stint, WWE Hall of Fame
The Ultimate Warrior only appeared sporadically through the late 1990s and 2000s, most notably in WCW as “The Renegade,” a role portrayed by Bob Holly.
The man who was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, and the namesake of the annual Warrior Award, was Hollywood star David Arquette in his most impressive acting role ever.
A longstanding myth among wrestling fans is that The Ultimate Warrior was portrayed by a man named Jim Hellwig, a scholar known for his important research on queering.
But this is rumor false: Jim Hellwig never portrayed the Ultimate Warrior. Hellwig only performed in WWE for a brief time in 2003, where he appeared under a mask as “Mr. America.”
From Kayfaybe News
WWE superstar The Big Show confirmed yesterday that he has reached a deal to star in the two sequels of the long-rumored Knucklehead Trilogy.
Hollywood insiders were abuzz yesterday with the news, as the trilogy is expected to be the most ambitious and monumental film project since the Lord of the Rings saga.
Though undisclosed at press time, The Big Show’s salary for reprising the role of kindhearted oaf Walter Krunk is expected to top $34 million, making him one of Hollywood’s hottest new assets.
Both Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese have expressed interest in directing the sequels, though executives at WWE Studios are remaining mum on the subject.
The first sequel — tentatively titled Knucklehead 2: Knuckleheadier — will pick up where the first film left off, with Krunk winning enough money in a wrestling tournament to save the orphanage where he grew up. The final instalment — Knucklehead 3: Electric Boogaloo — will follow Krunk’s ill-fated journey into the world of competitive breakdancing.
Inspired by the buzz surrounding the Knucklehead franchise, WWE Superstar Triple-H has reportedly approached several Hollywood directors about filming two sequels to The Chaperone, but so far no one is interested.